The GOAL of the following exercise is to establish a team value and priority on supporting and sustaining healthy, strong marriages.
Problem:
Too often marriage falls aside to create time and space for ministry. When this happens, a common pattern to occur is for the husband to become a workaholic and the wife/mother often ends up depressed and lonely.
Focus:
To give a tool as a way to do periodic marriage “check-ups” to measure how each couple is doing, encourage what they are doing well and focus on areas that need to be strengthened.
This marriage evaluation was taken from the test Enrich. This is an excellent marital assessment that has strong research-based validity and is practical and helpful.
The Enrich evaluates marriage in several areas. We will go through them. We will give a basic definition of each category, then ask each spouse individually to rate your marriage in each category. The scale will be from 1-10 with 1 being poor and 10 being excellent.
Important areas for focus:
- Self Confidence
Definition: In a healthy marriage, you each would be gaining in self esteem and self confidence, feeling valued, loved and supported. You are growing as a person.
Each spouse now scores how you feel about your marriage currently in this area:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
2. Couple Satisfaction:
Definition: Experiencing contentment and joy in your marriage, with positive feelings, enjoyment of each other and feeling good about your relationship.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
3. Personality Issues:
Definition: How each of you feel about your partner’s personality, makeup, strengths and weaknesses, quirks and annoyances, and you like who each other is including their traits and habits.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
4. Communication:
Definition: Sense that you each have the opportunity to openly share, discuss and interact in all areas of life, that time to communicate and connect is valued in relationship, do you use healthy skills or do they tear each other down.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
5. Conflict Resolution:
Definition: You have a good conflict strategy or patterns to be able to discuss (not a void) difficult topics in a respectful, honest and real way and then actually move towards healthy resolution that each of you can live with.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
6. Financial Management:
Definition: Do you have a good, mutually agreed upon strategy to handle all aspects of finances including budget, expenses, investment, giving and do you have clear role definition to manage the finances, bills and investment in a positive, cooperative way.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
7. Leisure Activities:
Definition: Do you value rest, play, doing enjoyable things together and do you have ways to share these interests together as a couple and family, and do you respect each other’s interests that you may not mutually share – respect the importance of healthy balance in this way.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
8. Sexual Relationship:
Definition: Do you enjoy a satisfying sexual and physical relationship, including touch, intimacy, intercourse and romance. Can you talk openly with each other about what you each enjoy, want and need from each other in a mutually loving way.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
9. Children and Parenting:
Definition: You work well together with each other with your children including values, goals in their lives, have a mutually positive parenting style, you support each other in a united front with the children, you can talk honestly about issues with the children as they come up and reach mutual agreements with the goal of raising responsible adults.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
10. Family and Friends:
Definition: You mutually respect and enjoy each other’s family members and are a team with them. You also share positive friendships with outsiders and you each support these friends and resolve differences or difficulties in a constructive way with each other when issues arise in these areas.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
11. Role Relationships:
Definition: You share the responsibilities in life in a positive way, balancing and sharing the difficult roles and decisions in constructive, inherently fair ways. You work together to modify or adjust roles as needed, whether in a more traditional or non traditional way to carry out meals to make life work together.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
12. Spiritual Beliefs:
Definition: You share respect and beliefs of your view of religion, God and spiritual values. You intentionally spend time and energy to develop your spiritual life together as a couple and a family, and you draw strength and guidance from your spiritual values for your life.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
13. Assertiveness:
Definition: The ability to express your opinions, values, wants and needs openly to each other and know it is safe, will be heard and valued and dealt with in a healthy way. This is not aggressive or bossy, but rather a respectful expression of yourself to each other whether you agree with each other or not.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
14. Avoidance:
Definition: Do you openly adddress issues and topics or do you out of fear or concern, hide feelings and opinions from each other. Do you feel like you have to avoid discussing topics and rather “walk on eggshells” or can you in healthy and tactful ways bring up issues, even when it might feel uncertain or unsafe.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
15. Partner Dominance:
Definition: Do either of you feel controlled, intimidated or bullied by the other including physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually. Do you fear for your safety? Do you feel punished by the other, and need to take a submissive stance out of fear for your own well-being or that of your children?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Poor Average Excellent
After you each have individually rated your marriage in each category, then share your answers and reasons for your answers with each other. Remember—no defensiveness or attacking—this is only giving each other the freedom to speak honestly to each other!
On all areas you rated a 7 or better, you are doing well! Keep up the good work!
On any area one or both of you gave a 6 or lower, these are areas to strengthen. Think about what change needs to occur to raise your score by ½ point. Share that as a goal to work on together over the next month.
Check-in with each other on all 15 categories periodically. Keep a team value on all of you having great (not just good) marriages, and a value on spending the time and effort to get there and stay there!
Looking for more Couples & Marriage Counseling Services? See my contact information below:
Doug Feil MS, LPC (720-689-4631) dfeil@feilcounselingandconsulting.com
6112 S. Devinney Way, Littleton, CO 80127