WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GRIEF?

GRIEF is a journey that we all find very painful and difficult. It’s also true that we will all experience it, no matter who we are.

Simple Definition of Grief –

The emotional fallout of an UNDESIRED LOSS in our lives. We don’t grieve when we lose the 10 pounds we have been trying to get rid of! We do, however grieve at the undesired losses that are forced on us by life. The greater the significance of that loss, the more difficult and painful is the loss.

Grief has been studied for years, and these findings can be helpful to learn what the grief process is like, as well as what the purposes of grieving can be. I will briefly summarize here 2 different models of grief that have been written about.

Elizabeth Kubler – Ross, in the book on Death and Dying proposed 5 steps of grieving. She was writing after years as a psychologist working with terminally ill patients and their families. The steps she outlined are:

5 Steps of Grieving

1) Denial – blocking the facing or owning the loss. Often starts very overtly – i.e. “no they didn’t die – you have the wrong person!” Eventually becomes more subtle, but is still blocking facing the pain and shock of the loss – i.e. “I’m ok with it”; “it’s not bothering me”. 

2) Anger – Now that we are facing the loss, anger is the first reaction. Scattered anger – directed at anyone and everyone – i.e. God, doctors, the person, self, etc. Feeds a lot of irritability, impatience, easily annoyed, etc. This is a struggle to deal with the emotions around the loss, but with an attempt at control. 

3) Bargaining – “If…..then….”. This stage is now wrestling with the loss in a cognitive way – trying to understand, make sense out of it, wrestle with what could have prevented it, look for explanations. This stage often triggers guilt, shame, and highlights any “unfinished business” they had with the loss. 

4) Depression/Sorrow – Deep sorrow, feeling the pain of the loss, the sense of abandonment, grief, tears, etc. These emotions are heart wrenching, deep hurt, etc. 

5) Acceptance – This is not being glad or thankful for the undesired loss, but is re-organizing their life around the truth and reality of the loss. This is the idea of finding a way to move on, spend time honoring the loss, etc.

The STRENGHTS of this model include presenting a logical picture of the progression of normal grieving; can make it easier to identify the stage a person might be “stuck” at; gives a sense of hope that life, though changed, can go on successfully; is a model that can be shared and passed on to others.

The WEAKNESSES with the model include the fact that grieving is often a jumbled mess of many different thoughts and emotions rather than a logical progression and also grieving is never a “one time through the steps and done” experience, but we can tumble around through all of the different feelings in a continuous and conveluded way.

A Second Model of Grieving

Dr. J. William Worden outlines in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy accepts that grieving is helpful and necessary after a loss, but he outlines grieving as consisting of 4 different tasks:

1st task: To accept the reality of the loss – denial to facing it, accepting the new reality after the loss, looking at its meaning. 

2nd task: Experience the pain of grief – to acknowledge and experience the pain of the loss, otherwise the pain will manifest in harmful ways. Pain intensity and experience varies but it’s impossible to avoid the pain and sorrow. 

3rd task: Adjust to the new environment around the truth of the loss, face the loss in all our different roles and facets of life. 

4th task: To withdraw from the loss and the mental and emotional energy so that it can be redirected and reinvested in another relationship or other aspect of life.

The STRENGTHS with this model include highlighting steps needed to grow through the loss and it also gives both specific goals to work on and warnings if these tasks aren’t addressed.

The WEAKNESSES include the model being more cognitively rather than emotionally based and most grieving people aren’t very motivated to work on tasks.

Professional Psychological Models

There is a diagnosis that is called UNCOMPLICATED BEREAVEMENT (meaning normal painful feelings and experiences) and PERSISTENT COMPLEX BEREAVEMENT when those same symptoms last for at least 12 months after the loss.

The “NORMAL” range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors include sadness, shock, guilt, anger, numbness and feeling overwhelmed. “Normal” thoughts can include longing for the deceased, ruminations and preoccupation over the deceased, and brain confusion & “fog” . “Normal” behaviors can include disruption of sleep, appetite, interest in life, crying, hearing or seeing the person and being “spacey”. If you are grieving, please know that this is all part of “normal grieving”. We can and do grow during these painful times if we are willing to face the pain and work with it.